I can’t feel a thing anymore.
I just realized how much has changed since I started working in this industry. Before, you would think that in every situation, there should always be a reaction.
Before, I was a sensitive, cry-baby.
Before, I was hot-headed, very impatient. I was very critical. A little bit of mistake frustrates me.
There was a time when I was still an intern in a 5-star hotel in Singapore, my supervisor power-tripped me and asked me to do a lot of things under time pressure. Literally a lot. It seems that I was the only staff on duty that day. It was dreadful. And when I can’t take it anymore, I’d go to the washroom and punch the walls of the cubicles because of frustration.
I know, some of you would say, Very immature.
I understand, and funny thing though, I am not the only one.
I shared my experience with some of my co-interns and they experienced it too from the same person. The B*****d really is a sadist.
Years passed by, and here I am. Currently one of the Front desk supervisors in a 5-star hotel in Manila, trying not to be the same person who mishandled me and my colleagues 8 years ago.
I have really outgrown myself these years, and as I look down memory lane, I couldn’t be prouder of what my attitude towards work has achieved.
Meeting diverse group of people, attending to a lot of concerns, resolving problems, working for your colleagues and bosses, working for the guests, have a great impact on your mental health.
Worse, your emotional health.
During my off days, my personal distressing would be riding a bike with my earphones on and with some good Khalid music. But when I thought I’m about to reach my inner peace, I breakdown.
“Am I not doing good enough?”, “Do I really like my job?”, “Does my Job/workplace like me?”, “Am I a reliable person?”, “Disappointment”
Things on my mind when I’m alone. Things that I think and worry a lot of when I sat down by the field. I become frustrated of the things I can’t change. I become sad of the reality that this has become my life. I become ashamed of the things I cannot improve.
Then I go numb.
Numb of the fact that whatever I do, I am not good enough. Numb of the reality that this is the life I chose. That when I choose another path, I am literally back to square one. Numb of knowing that last week would be a replay of this week and next week.
The torture of everyday, dealing with a lot of people made me numb. That whenever there’s a sad moment in my life right now, i can barely feel anything. The endurance of not breaking down from the everyday-battle at work made me this way.
End of Blog.
Disclaimer: I’m not suicidal. I love being alive.